MY STRUGGLES AGAINST THE ODDS

Over the past few years, I have experienced remarkable growth and positive changes in my life because I consistently invested effort into fostering a positive mindset and taking proactive steps towards self-improvement.

My mind is consistently fixated on the sensation of being absent in a room bustling with people.

Each morning, I am greeted by a familiar routine that I must follow.

Recently, my daily routine has been disrupted due to a mental health crisis that I am currently experiencing.

I can’t quite explain it, but I’ve been moving through life mechanically, almost like a robot.

My mind is filled with thoughts, and I had been mentally preparing for the anniversary of my Fathers passing since January ended.

On the evening of February 17th, 2017, have passed since he died, six days after his birthday.

I have been unable to mourn appropriately, but with my family now vacationing in the Caribbean, they will scatter his ashes there.

Lingering in my thoughts is the fear of losing my talent for writing, and I dread the possibility that my mind may fall silent.

Even though I cherish a peaceful existence, I still crave inspiration to fill my pages.

Recently, life has been challenging as I have experienced the loss of loved ones to suicide and other illnesses. Additionally, I have also faced a health scare of my own.

I understand that my challenge stems from the relentless stream of negative thoughts that race through my mind.

Every day of my life is a relentless fight that I must endure.

Conversely, I experience emotions I struggle to navigate and find a place for.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve felt like I’m moving backwards, and the thought of returning to the place I worked so hard to escape from terrifies me.

I understand the importance of attending a retreat to reconnect with myself and regain my centre.

I am not simply sad or happy but somewhat overwhelmed with confusion throughout my entire being.

At 52, one would assume someone has finally found their footing and gotten their life in order. However, I still can’t shake the feeling that something is missing, something I need to see.

God is the one unwavering presence in my life. I find solace in knowing that I can speak to Him at any hour, confident that He hears and understands my struggles.

I am putting in a lot of effort to get myself organised, even though I am currently in a crisis.

I am currently using my prescribed medication along with diazepam to help ease my racing thoughts, but I am struggling to focus.

I have been practicing strict self-isolation for an extended period, limiting my outings to only essential places where I have no other option but to go.

The medication is calming me down, but it’s also causing my movements to slow down considerably. I’m incredibly tuned out from everything around me.

Thanks to the medication I now take before bed, I can sleep soundly throughout the entire night, whereas previously, I would wake up three times.

My only flaw is that I tend to sleep late in the morning.

As the afternoon wears on, a heavy drowsiness settles over me, and my words slur.

I am writing this to stress the significance of seeking support from a professional if you notice yourself regressing, as it could escalate to a point where your life may be in danger of suicidal thoughts.

Depression has been a constant companion throughout my life, accompanied by dangerous manic episodes that can have deadly consequences if left unchecked.

I will receive the required assistance by adhering to the instructions and contacting the crisis team.

I want you to know that you are never alone in your struggles. There will always be someone who understands and is there for you during difficult times.

In everything, there must be a balance.

Natalie M Bleau

Scripture of Balance